CULTIVATING AUTHENTICITY

You may be thinking, What do you mean, cultivating authenticity? I am authentic. I’m truly myself.

But are you really?

The root of the word authenticity is the Greek word autos, meaning “self.” This is closely related to “author” and “authority.”

To be authentic is to be true to a sense of self that arises from one’s own unique and genuine essence. From the recent work I’ve been doing with internationally known trauma therapist Gabor Maté, he says the only dictate behind authenticity is that we—not any externally imposed expectations—be true to the author and authority of our own life.

Many of us have relinquished our authenticity in order to remain attached and connected to others, particularly our primary caregivers in our earliest years of life. We gave up pieces of ourselves and made compromises to our authentic selves in order to stay connected with our family of origin. Perhaps we didn’t fully express our feelings or thoughts in order to be accepted or liked within our family. Maybe instead of “rocking the boat,” we isolated ourselves instead of participating or expressing our needs. We learned at an early age to relinquish our authenticity bit by bit over time. These habits then carried forth into our lives as we know them today.

Self-Reflection Exercise

These questions will provide a clue. Please take a few minutes each day to write down the answers. Writing is a crucial piece of your ability to begin rewiring your automatic responses.

• Where in my life today do I notice an inconsistency or tension between being myself and maintaining important relationships?
• In what ways, big or small, do I habitually prioritize staying in people’s good graces over fully being myself?

One of the best ways to cultivate authenticity is not by learning how to become authentic, but by beginning to notice when you are not being authentic.

Have you ever gone out with a group of friends and come home afterwards thinking, That wasn’t me? Who was the one who recognized that? You noticed it—your authentic self is the one who noticed.

According to Maté, one of the major ways our lack of authenticity shows up is when we fail to say no. There is a no that wants to be said, but for some reason, we don’t say it.

Daily Practice: Reclaiming Your Authenticity

Here’s a daily practice adopted through my work with Gabor Maté that you can try:

• Where in my life do I have difficulty saying no? (Personally, professionally, etc.)
  • Where do I accept invitations to things I don’t really want to go to?
  • Where do I refrain from saying how I feel or what I believe?
  • Where do I take something on when I really don’t want to do it?
  • Where do I deny how I feel but don’t say no?
• What is the impact of my difficulty in saying no?
  • Fatigue? Stress? Resentment?
  • In the long term, what has been or might become the impact?
• What is the belief behind it?
  • If I say no, I’m being selfish.
  • If I say no, he won’t like me.
• Who would I be if I didn’t have that belief?
• Where am I not saying yes to my interests, desires, and impulses?
  • While I can’t say no to things I don’t want to do, can I list all the things I can’t say yes to?
  • Am I so busy saying no that there’s no space to have what I really want?
  • Keeping in mind that saying yes to things you don’t want to do is just as corrosive as the no you’re not saying.

If you practice this as a daily habit going forward, you will not only bring awareness but also gain facility in your ability to catch yourself in the moment and perhaps choose a different outcome. Ultimately, practicing saying no as well as speaking up to say yes will bring you back to your authentic self.